The Candidness of a Child

If anyone knows how to pull my heart strings in just the right way, it is my Hopie.

She has been in California for almost a year now and we miss each other terribly. Thankfully, it has been decided that they will be moving back in 2012. However, it is undecided as to whether Hope is staying here until then, or if she is going to go back to California and move when the rest of her family does. Yesterday, Hope and I were hanging out at my house when we began talking about when she is moving back from California. This turned into talking about me leaving for Australia. Below is how the conversation played out.

Hope: When will I see you again after today?
Me: This coming Tuesday. Remember?
Hope: Oh yeah. What about after that?
Me: I don't know baby girl. I leave for New York on Friday and then I just have a few days after I get back to get packed up and ready for school and student teaching to start. When do you go back to California?
Hope: I don't know. Either on the 15th or I am staying here until mommy moves back in July... July... Isn't that close to when you leave for Australia? When do you leave for Australia?
Me: I will be leaving in June.
Hope: That's not far from now... How long will you be there?
Me: Either 6 months, which would put me back here by Christmas, or a year, which would put me back here the next June.
(silence)
Hope: What if you don't come back?
Me: What do you mean? Of course I'm coming back. All of my friends and family are here.
Hope: What if you get on that plane and die on the way?
Me: Well you know, I've actually thought about that. That is a natural fear that many people have about flying. Plane crashes are pretty rare though. Think about it, my dad has been flying for many many years and he's never been in a plane crash.
Hope: You better tell me if you die on the way.
Me: I can't do that if I'm dead.
Hope: Make sure someone else knows to tell me.
Me: I will make sure to do that. But you don't have to worry about that happening. I'm trusting God to protect me and if he wants to take me to heaven, well, I'll be there waiting for everyone I love... What made you think about all this?
Hope: It's what I think about before I get on the plane to California by myself.
Me: Like I said, that is a natural fear of flying. A lot of people think about that. But just remember that plane crashes are rare and the pilots and flight attendants have a lot of training for situations like that. And most importantly if you get scared or worried, just pray that God will protect you. He's listening. 
(silence)
Hope: Why are you going to Australia?
Me: That's where my job will be. 
Hope: Do you have to go?
Me: No, I don't have to go.
Hope: But you want to?
Me: Yeah, a big part of me really wants to go. But another part of me will be sad that I won't get to see my family and friends, and you of course.

There was a slight pause and then Hope quickly changed the subject to something else... Either she had all of her questions answered or it had just become too much for her to continue thinking about. Either way, it breaks my heart. I keep thinking, well maybe I just won't go, but then I realize the big part of me that really wants to go would never forgive me.

She left me and went to California, which was hard in its own way, but now I'm leaving her, which is a whole new kind of hard and I think we are both beginning to realize that... At least while she was in California I saw her every other month or so, but this will be a solid 6 months - 1 year. To ease some of the heartbreak, I've come up with a few exciting ways to make sure that Hopie is included in my trip 100% and I can't wait to tell her about them. 1) We will definitely be Skyping, which may be difficult with the time difference, but we can make it happen. 2) I will take with me some kind of small stuffed animal of hers or one we buy together and take pictures of it along the way (on the plane, on the bridge, near a kangaroo, at the beach, etc) and e-mail them to her. 3) I will be sending her postcards along the way as well.

I've been down playing how much I will miss my family and friends, but Hope brought the issue right up front and made me think about it honestly. I can't express in words how much I will miss everyone (even my Munkie), only my tears as I write this could express that. If I don't do this now though, then I'll never do it... and I need to. I need an adventure - an adventure that is mine. I need to explore the world, not just the east coast of the US. I need to figure out how to not want to be at home every second of every day. I need to be in a situation where I have to fully rely on God. Parts of this journey will be hard, but other parts of it will be so amazing that it makes up for the hard parts. While I am going to miss my family and friends, one of the people/things I will miss the most is: