I've been saying for at least 4-5 years now that I want to want to read the Bible on a daily basis. I know people who look forward to reading their Bible and spending time with God. I see what a difference it makes in their lives and in their hearts. They are passionate about the Word of God. I met these people I'm talking about through my church and Bible study that I joined during the second semester of my freshman year of college. There was just something different and beautiful about the people who I knew who spent designated time in the Word.
Slowly, but surely a desire built up in me to want to want to read the Bible. I wanted to read the Bible because we are supposed to, I knew there were things in there for me, and because I saw what these people got from it, but for some reason reading the Bible just didn't appeal to me. It would require time, attention, reading, and thought. Being in Uni and always studying, always reading, the last thing I really wanted to do was read or study another book. The last thing I wanted to do was give up what little free time I did have (which I used to watch TV) to read another book. It would be talked about at small group or Bible study and I would always say that I wanted to start getting more into the Word, but I just couldn't seem to. I blamed the book - it was boring, it was too confusing, it was too long, it required too much time, etc etc. In all reality, I was just being lazy and selfish and I was giving into the enemy's lies about the Bible.
Time and time again I would try to get into a routine, a habit to read every day. I would read, maybe take notes for a day or 2, but something "more important" (not really) would come up and I would choose that over the Bible or I kept saying I'd do it later, until I was laying down for the night and now it was "too late" (not really). For me, just reading turned out to be pointless because I discovered I was literally just reading. I wasn't taking anything in, I wasn't thinking about anything, I wasn't learning anything or discovering anything. I was merely putting sounds together to form words. Taking notes was good, but required more time and effort, which we've established I didn't have any of (or at least I thought I didn't).
Before heading to Australia I bought a new Bible and packed some of my devotional books that I've been given but never did anything with. I had a hope that maybe getting away from my comfort zone of home would stir up something and I'd finally get to have that feeling of wanting to read the Bible. In my group of friends and church here in Australia, once again I met people who are consistently in the Word and have that burning passion for the Word. And again I would say at LifeGroup and in conversation that I wanted to start getting more into the Word - by this point, after 4-5 years, this statement had me feeling like a broken record.
In January my church here announced that one of their main focuses this year would be on prayer. Many of the sermons and LifeGroups were on prayer, it's importance, different styles, where and how it's seen in the Bible, the power in prayer, and how to apply it to our lives. In March I started praying every morning and every night. I did this for 2 weeks. That night I went into serious pain. Never in my life have I ever prayed as hard and as loud as I prayed that evening laying on the cold bathroom floor sweating, kicking the wall, writhing in pain, with clenched teeth. Guess what... the pain stuck around and I ended up in the hospital with kidney stones. You want me to be painfully honest here... I was mad. I was mad at God. After 2 weeks of faithfully praying I end up in this excruciating pain and then I literally cry out to Him during the worst pain I've ever had in my life... and nothing... I end up in the hospital, in terrible pain, and pretty much alone. I stopped praying. I still did my every now and then prayers, usually just when I needed something, but if praying faithfully was going to cause stuff like this to happen and if He wasn't going to answer the prayers anyways, then why even bother waking up early to pray or take time out of my evenings to pray?
Here's the thing. Everyone thought I had appendicitis, which would have ruined my trip to New Zealand that I was supposed to leave for in a week. It wouldn't have happened at all due to recovery from surgery. People I talked to on the phone, the triage nurses, the doctor - they all thought it was appendicitis - until the doctor came in for the third time and did the same questions and tests as before and diagnosed it as kidney stones. Kidney Stones only take a couple days of recovery and I would be healthy and energetic and back to normal for my trip in a week. You know that whole, "There's a reason for everything" thing, well I believe that was definitely the case with this. I believe the enemy saw my faithfulness and commitment and wanted to squash it, which he did successfully (for the time being) as I became angry at God and stopped praying. In my anger, someone pointed out to me that for all I know, it was appendicitis meant by the enemy to ruin the experience God had prepared for me in NZ and God altered it to Kidney Stones so I could still enjoy that experience. While this wasn't a direct answer to my prayer or the answer I was looking for, it was God's answer. Also, we are called to be faithful even in the tough times. James 1:3 says, "the testing of your faith produces perseverance". I was faithful in my prayers, but once I received an answer that wasn't what I wanted, I let my faith waiver. I got over my anger, but I didn't pick the routine back up.
The... let's call him the Associate Pastor (he doesn't really have a title, but if he did, this would probably be it), at my church here spoke earlier in the year and said something along the lines of - If you want a comfortable life with no challenges or spiritual opposition, then don't pray, don't listen to the Word, don't worship, don't change, don't tithe, don't fellowship, etc. However, if you want to see God move and do miracles, if you want to encounter Him, the do all of the above and then some. After a couple months I finally got to a place where I decided that if praying is going to cause some discomfort, some challenges, and some spiritual opposition but it means that I get to see God move in my life and the lives of others, then I am going to keep on praying on!!!
You know how you always hear people say something like, Oh the Lord woke me up to tell me such and such. Well, I never knew what they meant until one Tuesday morning in June, shortly after I had returned to Australia from my visit home, when I was woken really early in the morning and not by children. I woke and there wasn't even a split second to think about the time or how cold it was, I just had this instant thought, sense, voice, whatever you want to call it that pretty much said we were going to change the way we do things. By we, He meant He and I and by change He meant the fact that my life is so swallowed whole by my phone and laptop that it had become a necessity, an obsession, an unhealthy part of me and that we were going to replace that with some time in prayer and in the Word. The first thing I do (or used to anyway) when I wake-up in the morning is check my phone, which usually has some text messages waiting, some facebook notifications, an instragram like to be checked, an e-mail or two, and a full set of Candy Crush lives waiting. I do all of those, plus check the weather and my facebook news feed and then maybe if there's time I'll even throw in some facebook messages, a snapchat, or a vine scroll. By the time all that is done I am up and I have somehow managed to get the kids ready for school and we are out the door and in the car when I finally turn off the screen before turning on the car. This is what He was referring to when He said things needed to change.
I acknowledged the problem and His solution and then went back to sleep. I woke up for work Tuesday morning and while I may not have checked instagram or my e-mail (my idea of change), I did everything else. Wednesday - same. Thursday - same. Thursday night my phone fell in the kids' bath. I instantly went into panic mode... no, I mean literally... my heart rate increased, I got hot, and I was on the verge of tears. I immediately started thinking about all the things I wouldn't be able to do if my phone was ruined or if I had to buy a new non-smartphone because I can't afford a "smart one". My attitude and mood fell and fell hard. Even as I was reading books to Ben for the end of the night I was trying to turn it on and see if it would work. My mind was chaos as I struggled with the reality of the fact that I wouldn't know if someone texted me, facebooked me, e-mailed me, etc etc. (I know this sounds crazy, but I've admitted it had become an unhealthy thing). That night, after placing my phone in some rice, and crying, venting, and coming up with the worst what-if situations possible with my poor, amazing mother on the other end of the phone trying to keep me positive without losing her cool, I watched an episode of Friends and then turned in early for the night. I figure it's kind of like Santa - the earlier you go to sleep, the sooner whatever it is you're waiting for will be there. As I laid there, not doing anything, and for the first time that night not thinking of anything really... I got that same thought, sense, voice, whatever you want to call it that my phone would be okay in the morning.
I left the phone in the rice for the morning while I took the kids to school. When I came home I prayed (regarding the phone, changes, Tuesday morning, the week and lack of changes, etc etc) and then put my phone back together and what do you know... It worked and I was incredibly relieved. God had tried to gently wake me up with His loving words, but when that didn't work due to my own faults, He had to dump a bucket of cold water on my face to wake me up. Like I said... I'm always learning the hard way. Luckily, I am however smart enough to know that I don't want to find out what the next step would be to get me to wake up if the phone thing wasn't enough. The following morning, when I woke up, the first thing I did after turning off my music and checking the time (and taking note of all the notifications on my phone) was pray. Then I pulled my Bible and my Purple Book out of my drawer and spent some much desired (by Him and by me) time in His Word.
It was smooth sailing for about 2 weeks. I woke up an hour early every morning (except for Saturdays, when I just do it whenever I wake) to spend time in prayer and in the Word. Once again, at the 2 week mark, my faith was tested again and tested hard. I was sent to a place emotionally that I hadn't been in quite some time - a scary place that I was hoping to never have to visit again. While it shook me a bit and took me for a ride, rather than keeping it to myself, which is what I used to do, I told my accountability partner. God bless her, she jumped right on the situation at hand, talked with me, came up with resources, gave perspective, and pointed me back towards my Heavenly Father's truth and promises. She did all of this without a single speck of judgment over anything I was telling her and all I felt was His love through her. Now, whether it was the enemy once again seeing my commitment and trying to tear me down or God just testing my faith or both, I'm not sure, but either way, the enemy didn't win this time. Throughout the battle, every morning, no matter how upset I was or how late I was up the night before (due to what was going on), I still woke an hour early for my time in prayer and in the Word. It wasn't easy, but I also wasn't doing it in my strength this time. I was doing it in the Lord's. About 4-5 days after the whole thing started I got an instant sense of peace and release from all of the darkness and emotions, however, I woke with a headache. I did my morning time regardless. The following morning I still had the headache, but now I had a sore throat. I did my morning time anyway. This headache and sore throat stayed with me for 6ish days and every morning I woke and did my morning time in prayer and reading. There have been times where I actually forget to even get my phone before going downstairs to continue getting the kids ready. There have been mornings where I don't scroll through the newsfeed or respond to every comment or like... and it's okay.
This morning I woke and did my morning time in prayer and reading and when I finished I closed my Bible and my Purple Book (which I finished this morning, on the 4 week mark exactly) and I just cried. I was completely speechless for quite some time as I just cried. When I finally could talk all I could say was, "Thank you". Today was a special day for me. I started this morning time with my Heavenly Father 4 weeks ago exactly and not one day of the 4 weeks did I put something else before Him first thing in the morning. Every single day of the 4 weeks I stuck to my promise to Him and to myself. This is a huge deal for me. Time and time again I've set out to do something like this with reading the Bible and I always find something else "more important" to do instead, but not this time. I have waited so very long for the same desire for His Word that I see in so many other people. I have waited so very long to spend this one on one time with Him and I know He has been waiting for this as well. This is a huge change for me personally (saying I'm going to do something consistently and having the determination and discipline to do it), but more-so spiritually. I have waited years for this desire to read the Bible. I have waited years to understand what all the excitement about The Word was. Now there are days when I find myself in the middle of the day already thinking about tomorrow's morning time or ways to read even more during the day. I love reading about peoples' faith (like Abraham and Noah), about prayers being answered, about His love, forgiveness, power, mercy, grace, commandments, "guidelines", beauty, faithfulness, strength, promises, etc.
First thing I do in the morning is chat with my Heavenly Father and the second thing I do in the morning is spend time with Him in His Word. Boy! What a way to wake up! I can't even begin to explain to you the difference in my attitude towards certain people, the difference in my perspective on certain situations, the difference in my levels of joy and happiness, the difference in my level of energy, the difference in my ability to notice opportunities to show His love or tell His story (especially with my host family). Oh, and the phone, yeah, I still check it often, but I'm much better at leaving my phone in my pocket and being social when people are around and I'm much better at not letting it interfere with me doing my job and I'm much better about setting limits with how much I am going to do or for how long. I didn't know what was going to come from this morning time with God, but I'm overjoyed with everything He's given me from it and I can't wait to see what else is going to come from this. Seriously, this has to be one of the best decisions and changes I've ever made in my life. <3
Slowly, but surely a desire built up in me to want to want to read the Bible. I wanted to read the Bible because we are supposed to, I knew there were things in there for me, and because I saw what these people got from it, but for some reason reading the Bible just didn't appeal to me. It would require time, attention, reading, and thought. Being in Uni and always studying, always reading, the last thing I really wanted to do was read or study another book. The last thing I wanted to do was give up what little free time I did have (which I used to watch TV) to read another book. It would be talked about at small group or Bible study and I would always say that I wanted to start getting more into the Word, but I just couldn't seem to. I blamed the book - it was boring, it was too confusing, it was too long, it required too much time, etc etc. In all reality, I was just being lazy and selfish and I was giving into the enemy's lies about the Bible.
Time and time again I would try to get into a routine, a habit to read every day. I would read, maybe take notes for a day or 2, but something "more important" (not really) would come up and I would choose that over the Bible or I kept saying I'd do it later, until I was laying down for the night and now it was "too late" (not really). For me, just reading turned out to be pointless because I discovered I was literally just reading. I wasn't taking anything in, I wasn't thinking about anything, I wasn't learning anything or discovering anything. I was merely putting sounds together to form words. Taking notes was good, but required more time and effort, which we've established I didn't have any of (or at least I thought I didn't).
Before heading to Australia I bought a new Bible and packed some of my devotional books that I've been given but never did anything with. I had a hope that maybe getting away from my comfort zone of home would stir up something and I'd finally get to have that feeling of wanting to read the Bible. In my group of friends and church here in Australia, once again I met people who are consistently in the Word and have that burning passion for the Word. And again I would say at LifeGroup and in conversation that I wanted to start getting more into the Word - by this point, after 4-5 years, this statement had me feeling like a broken record.
In January my church here announced that one of their main focuses this year would be on prayer. Many of the sermons and LifeGroups were on prayer, it's importance, different styles, where and how it's seen in the Bible, the power in prayer, and how to apply it to our lives. In March I started praying every morning and every night. I did this for 2 weeks. That night I went into serious pain. Never in my life have I ever prayed as hard and as loud as I prayed that evening laying on the cold bathroom floor sweating, kicking the wall, writhing in pain, with clenched teeth. Guess what... the pain stuck around and I ended up in the hospital with kidney stones. You want me to be painfully honest here... I was mad. I was mad at God. After 2 weeks of faithfully praying I end up in this excruciating pain and then I literally cry out to Him during the worst pain I've ever had in my life... and nothing... I end up in the hospital, in terrible pain, and pretty much alone. I stopped praying. I still did my every now and then prayers, usually just when I needed something, but if praying faithfully was going to cause stuff like this to happen and if He wasn't going to answer the prayers anyways, then why even bother waking up early to pray or take time out of my evenings to pray?
Here's the thing. Everyone thought I had appendicitis, which would have ruined my trip to New Zealand that I was supposed to leave for in a week. It wouldn't have happened at all due to recovery from surgery. People I talked to on the phone, the triage nurses, the doctor - they all thought it was appendicitis - until the doctor came in for the third time and did the same questions and tests as before and diagnosed it as kidney stones. Kidney Stones only take a couple days of recovery and I would be healthy and energetic and back to normal for my trip in a week. You know that whole, "There's a reason for everything" thing, well I believe that was definitely the case with this. I believe the enemy saw my faithfulness and commitment and wanted to squash it, which he did successfully (for the time being) as I became angry at God and stopped praying. In my anger, someone pointed out to me that for all I know, it was appendicitis meant by the enemy to ruin the experience God had prepared for me in NZ and God altered it to Kidney Stones so I could still enjoy that experience. While this wasn't a direct answer to my prayer or the answer I was looking for, it was God's answer. Also, we are called to be faithful even in the tough times. James 1:3 says, "the testing of your faith produces perseverance". I was faithful in my prayers, but once I received an answer that wasn't what I wanted, I let my faith waiver. I got over my anger, but I didn't pick the routine back up.
The... let's call him the Associate Pastor (he doesn't really have a title, but if he did, this would probably be it), at my church here spoke earlier in the year and said something along the lines of - If you want a comfortable life with no challenges or spiritual opposition, then don't pray, don't listen to the Word, don't worship, don't change, don't tithe, don't fellowship, etc. However, if you want to see God move and do miracles, if you want to encounter Him, the do all of the above and then some. After a couple months I finally got to a place where I decided that if praying is going to cause some discomfort, some challenges, and some spiritual opposition but it means that I get to see God move in my life and the lives of others, then I am going to keep on praying on!!!
You know how you always hear people say something like, Oh the Lord woke me up to tell me such and such. Well, I never knew what they meant until one Tuesday morning in June, shortly after I had returned to Australia from my visit home, when I was woken really early in the morning and not by children. I woke and there wasn't even a split second to think about the time or how cold it was, I just had this instant thought, sense, voice, whatever you want to call it that pretty much said we were going to change the way we do things. By we, He meant He and I and by change He meant the fact that my life is so swallowed whole by my phone and laptop that it had become a necessity, an obsession, an unhealthy part of me and that we were going to replace that with some time in prayer and in the Word. The first thing I do (or used to anyway) when I wake-up in the morning is check my phone, which usually has some text messages waiting, some facebook notifications, an instragram like to be checked, an e-mail or two, and a full set of Candy Crush lives waiting. I do all of those, plus check the weather and my facebook news feed and then maybe if there's time I'll even throw in some facebook messages, a snapchat, or a vine scroll. By the time all that is done I am up and I have somehow managed to get the kids ready for school and we are out the door and in the car when I finally turn off the screen before turning on the car. This is what He was referring to when He said things needed to change.
I acknowledged the problem and His solution and then went back to sleep. I woke up for work Tuesday morning and while I may not have checked instagram or my e-mail (my idea of change), I did everything else. Wednesday - same. Thursday - same. Thursday night my phone fell in the kids' bath. I instantly went into panic mode... no, I mean literally... my heart rate increased, I got hot, and I was on the verge of tears. I immediately started thinking about all the things I wouldn't be able to do if my phone was ruined or if I had to buy a new non-smartphone because I can't afford a "smart one". My attitude and mood fell and fell hard. Even as I was reading books to Ben for the end of the night I was trying to turn it on and see if it would work. My mind was chaos as I struggled with the reality of the fact that I wouldn't know if someone texted me, facebooked me, e-mailed me, etc etc. (I know this sounds crazy, but I've admitted it had become an unhealthy thing). That night, after placing my phone in some rice, and crying, venting, and coming up with the worst what-if situations possible with my poor, amazing mother on the other end of the phone trying to keep me positive without losing her cool, I watched an episode of Friends and then turned in early for the night. I figure it's kind of like Santa - the earlier you go to sleep, the sooner whatever it is you're waiting for will be there. As I laid there, not doing anything, and for the first time that night not thinking of anything really... I got that same thought, sense, voice, whatever you want to call it that my phone would be okay in the morning.
I left the phone in the rice for the morning while I took the kids to school. When I came home I prayed (regarding the phone, changes, Tuesday morning, the week and lack of changes, etc etc) and then put my phone back together and what do you know... It worked and I was incredibly relieved. God had tried to gently wake me up with His loving words, but when that didn't work due to my own faults, He had to dump a bucket of cold water on my face to wake me up. Like I said... I'm always learning the hard way. Luckily, I am however smart enough to know that I don't want to find out what the next step would be to get me to wake up if the phone thing wasn't enough. The following morning, when I woke up, the first thing I did after turning off my music and checking the time (and taking note of all the notifications on my phone) was pray. Then I pulled my Bible and my Purple Book out of my drawer and spent some much desired (by Him and by me) time in His Word.
It was smooth sailing for about 2 weeks. I woke up an hour early every morning (except for Saturdays, when I just do it whenever I wake) to spend time in prayer and in the Word. Once again, at the 2 week mark, my faith was tested again and tested hard. I was sent to a place emotionally that I hadn't been in quite some time - a scary place that I was hoping to never have to visit again. While it shook me a bit and took me for a ride, rather than keeping it to myself, which is what I used to do, I told my accountability partner. God bless her, she jumped right on the situation at hand, talked with me, came up with resources, gave perspective, and pointed me back towards my Heavenly Father's truth and promises. She did all of this without a single speck of judgment over anything I was telling her and all I felt was His love through her. Now, whether it was the enemy once again seeing my commitment and trying to tear me down or God just testing my faith or both, I'm not sure, but either way, the enemy didn't win this time. Throughout the battle, every morning, no matter how upset I was or how late I was up the night before (due to what was going on), I still woke an hour early for my time in prayer and in the Word. It wasn't easy, but I also wasn't doing it in my strength this time. I was doing it in the Lord's. About 4-5 days after the whole thing started I got an instant sense of peace and release from all of the darkness and emotions, however, I woke with a headache. I did my morning time regardless. The following morning I still had the headache, but now I had a sore throat. I did my morning time anyway. This headache and sore throat stayed with me for 6ish days and every morning I woke and did my morning time in prayer and reading. There have been times where I actually forget to even get my phone before going downstairs to continue getting the kids ready. There have been mornings where I don't scroll through the newsfeed or respond to every comment or like... and it's okay.
This morning I woke and did my morning time in prayer and reading and when I finished I closed my Bible and my Purple Book (which I finished this morning, on the 4 week mark exactly) and I just cried. I was completely speechless for quite some time as I just cried. When I finally could talk all I could say was, "Thank you". Today was a special day for me. I started this morning time with my Heavenly Father 4 weeks ago exactly and not one day of the 4 weeks did I put something else before Him first thing in the morning. Every single day of the 4 weeks I stuck to my promise to Him and to myself. This is a huge deal for me. Time and time again I've set out to do something like this with reading the Bible and I always find something else "more important" to do instead, but not this time. I have waited so very long for the same desire for His Word that I see in so many other people. I have waited so very long to spend this one on one time with Him and I know He has been waiting for this as well. This is a huge change for me personally (saying I'm going to do something consistently and having the determination and discipline to do it), but more-so spiritually. I have waited years for this desire to read the Bible. I have waited years to understand what all the excitement about The Word was. Now there are days when I find myself in the middle of the day already thinking about tomorrow's morning time or ways to read even more during the day. I love reading about peoples' faith (like Abraham and Noah), about prayers being answered, about His love, forgiveness, power, mercy, grace, commandments, "guidelines", beauty, faithfulness, strength, promises, etc.
First thing I do in the morning is chat with my Heavenly Father and the second thing I do in the morning is spend time with Him in His Word. Boy! What a way to wake up! I can't even begin to explain to you the difference in my attitude towards certain people, the difference in my perspective on certain situations, the difference in my levels of joy and happiness, the difference in my level of energy, the difference in my ability to notice opportunities to show His love or tell His story (especially with my host family). Oh, and the phone, yeah, I still check it often, but I'm much better at leaving my phone in my pocket and being social when people are around and I'm much better at not letting it interfere with me doing my job and I'm much better about setting limits with how much I am going to do or for how long. I didn't know what was going to come from this morning time with God, but I'm overjoyed with everything He's given me from it and I can't wait to see what else is going to come from this. Seriously, this has to be one of the best decisions and changes I've ever made in my life. <3
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