Sleep on the plane evades me... Every time I try to close my eyes and clear my head images, memories, sounds, smells, experiences, friendships, and every other bit of my Australian journey comes rushing in like an overwhelming flood - washing in and taking all of those things with it as I realize what I'm doing... I'm on a plane flying 10,000 miles away. Those things, those people, those places - they will never again be a part of my life in the same capacity as they have been for the last 15 months. All of the emotions and lack of processing over the last couple of weeks is catching up with me and the tears are coming fast. It's weird to cry and recognize the tears as both happy and sad.
I'm leaving everything I've known for the last 15 months. I'm leaving everything I got to know of as part of my daily life. If I'm being honest with myself... I'm terrified - absolutely 100% terrified. I had a job (until recently), a church, amazing friends I saw several times a week, and knew exactly what I'd be doing and when. I'm going home to no job (and after I pay one more student loan bill, no money), no church, and the majority of my best friends all live 45 minutes - 2 hours away. For the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea what my immediate future holds for me and that terrifies me. I know God knows His plans for me, but again, to be honest, I'm really struggling to hold on to that. I have somewhere to live, but my parents' house is only going to work for so long.
Right before leaving I expressed some of these feelings to one of my Aussie friends and she reminded me that I came to a foreign country where absolutely everything was new and unfamiliar and I was able to find a job, a church, friends, etc, so surely I can do it again back home where I have friends and family and things are familiar. She also reminded me what a hand and presence God has had in my time in Australia and that there is no reason to doubt He will do the same in this next unknown (to me) journey. I'm working on being faithful in His plan. I believe this transition, although difficult, is necessary for me to grow and continue moving forward. Just as finishing my job was difficult, I was still able to see Him in the situation's after effects. He took something awful and used it to further my person and spiritual growth, deepen and strengthen relationships, and open opportunities left and right for exploration of the amazing country He had brought me to.
Here's to attempting to take it all one day at a time and letting God take control and make the plans.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the plane as the buildings and cars become bigger and the lights of the city become brighter I realize I am a mere 30 minutes away from landing in Raleigh.... Signifying that this dream, journey, and reality are officially over... The tears, however, are not. It's so weird that something that was only in my thoughts and something I only talked about actually happened. I'm sad it's over, but excited that it happened and because it was my dream and my experiences, while the journey is over, the memories will be with me forever.
I have to admit... I am incredibly proud of myself. I was someone who liked what was familiar - food, places, people, driving routes, etc, yet, I went to a foreign country on my own and tried (and liked) so many new foods, became part of a new church, shopped in new stores, ate at new cafes/restaurants, saw show in new theaters, made new, deep, life long friendships, lived with strangers, mastered manual driving on the right side of the car on the left side of the road on new roads, and figured out the tram, train, and bus systems. I have met God a new and different level and we've dealt with a lot of hard stuff from my past. I am more confident and more bold. I am more sure of who I am and who I want to be. I am stronger in my faith and more willing to and capable of showing God's love to those around me.
When I think about it I seriously can't believe I actually did all those things I had said I was going to and then some things I never thought I'd do or hadn't thought of doing. It's just so weird to me that my journey to Australia is no longer a dream of mine or my reality... In 3, 2, 1, Touchdown at RDU... It is now my memories of something past...
"You have plenty of courage, I am sure," answered Oz. "All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty."
- L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Monday, October 14, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Yellow Brick Road Stops Here
Feeling a bit like someone took a milkshake put in full cream milk and 20 different flavors and then handed it to a person who just wanted a soy vanilla milkshake.
One second I'm ecstatic, making plans, and smiling ear to ear and the next second I'm on the edge of tears (not the good/happy kind). Seeing all of my stuff packed into suitcases... Having said far too many goodbyes or see you next times yesterday... Saying good-night to Louise (who I've been staying with) for that one last time... Having that one last meal and sleep at the house that quickly became my home here... It all just makes it way too real... It is real though. It is very very real. I get on a plane in less than 12 hours to fly home "for good". To be leaving with no set plans to return just feels weird and wrong...
Now that things from the day and evening have settled down it's becoming very difficult to hold the tears back... And I have a feeling once all the crazyness of the morning settles down and I'm at my gate at the airport... I'll have the same problem... Leaving the culture, mindset, and my Compass family is proving to be harder than I expected, but I just try to remember to remain grateful for the opportunities I've had here and the life long relationships and growth that have come from this whole experience.
Australia was a physical journey and adventure - Great Barrier Reef, hang gliding, microlighting, rainforest, Bridge Climb, Opera House, steam train, the Outback, kayaking, glacier climbing, bungy jumping, sky diving, canyon climbing, cliff jumping, White Night, Art Festival, and more!! However, it was so much more than that. It was a personal journey as well resulting in confidence, boldness, perspective, grown up taste buds, less trackies, new skills (like driving a manual, figuring out trains and trams, eating ribs, and more), and deep friendships. Most importantly however, it was a spiritual journey. God and I have been through so much in the last year and a half. I knew He had a plan for me here, but I didn't know just how much He had planned!! And we all thought I was an over scheduler! ;) His timing was impeccable. His orchestration was perfect. His presence and love was never ending. I'm coming back as the same old me - random, crazy, loving, loud, trackie loving, emotional, etc - but I'm coming back with a renewed mind, heart, and spirit.
We are given things for a season and unfortunately this season ended sooner than I expected, but it has turned out to be a fantastic last month and a half. I spent the entire time traveling and hanging out with friends. I honestly can't think of a better way to wrap up this journey. Not to mention there are several situations back home in which I am needed/wanted and I feel like it is about time I take all this love, care, and attention my Compass family has showered me with and give some back to my family/friends back home. It's weird because although I'm sad about leaving, I do feel as though it is time. It just feels right...ish...(I know this is contradictory to what I said earlier, but that just goes to prove my mixed feelings). I'm excited (I think) about this next season God has in store for me, because I feel like, once again, it will be like anything I've ever experienced.
Well... seeing as how I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready to leave for the airport, I should probably wrap this up. This is the last blog I'll be writing from Australia, but it isn't the last I'll be writing about Australia. As I continue to reminisce on my time here once I get back home I'm sure the emotions will continue to come and go and mix themselves around a bit, but I figure at some point that will all settle down.
Thank you to my Compass Family, my host family, and to the whole of Australia for giving me one heck of an unforgettable life time journey and experience!! I already can't wait to come back!! See you next time!! <3
One second I'm ecstatic, making plans, and smiling ear to ear and the next second I'm on the edge of tears (not the good/happy kind). Seeing all of my stuff packed into suitcases... Having said far too many goodbyes or see you next times yesterday... Saying good-night to Louise (who I've been staying with) for that one last time... Having that one last meal and sleep at the house that quickly became my home here... It all just makes it way too real... It is real though. It is very very real. I get on a plane in less than 12 hours to fly home "for good". To be leaving with no set plans to return just feels weird and wrong...
Now that things from the day and evening have settled down it's becoming very difficult to hold the tears back... And I have a feeling once all the crazyness of the morning settles down and I'm at my gate at the airport... I'll have the same problem... Leaving the culture, mindset, and my Compass family is proving to be harder than I expected, but I just try to remember to remain grateful for the opportunities I've had here and the life long relationships and growth that have come from this whole experience.
Australia was a physical journey and adventure - Great Barrier Reef, hang gliding, microlighting, rainforest, Bridge Climb, Opera House, steam train, the Outback, kayaking, glacier climbing, bungy jumping, sky diving, canyon climbing, cliff jumping, White Night, Art Festival, and more!! However, it was so much more than that. It was a personal journey as well resulting in confidence, boldness, perspective, grown up taste buds, less trackies, new skills (like driving a manual, figuring out trains and trams, eating ribs, and more), and deep friendships. Most importantly however, it was a spiritual journey. God and I have been through so much in the last year and a half. I knew He had a plan for me here, but I didn't know just how much He had planned!! And we all thought I was an over scheduler! ;) His timing was impeccable. His orchestration was perfect. His presence and love was never ending. I'm coming back as the same old me - random, crazy, loving, loud, trackie loving, emotional, etc - but I'm coming back with a renewed mind, heart, and spirit.
We are given things for a season and unfortunately this season ended sooner than I expected, but it has turned out to be a fantastic last month and a half. I spent the entire time traveling and hanging out with friends. I honestly can't think of a better way to wrap up this journey. Not to mention there are several situations back home in which I am needed/wanted and I feel like it is about time I take all this love, care, and attention my Compass family has showered me with and give some back to my family/friends back home. It's weird because although I'm sad about leaving, I do feel as though it is time. It just feels right...ish...(I know this is contradictory to what I said earlier, but that just goes to prove my mixed feelings). I'm excited (I think) about this next season God has in store for me, because I feel like, once again, it will be like anything I've ever experienced.
Well... seeing as how I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready to leave for the airport, I should probably wrap this up. This is the last blog I'll be writing from Australia, but it isn't the last I'll be writing about Australia. As I continue to reminisce on my time here once I get back home I'm sure the emotions will continue to come and go and mix themselves around a bit, but I figure at some point that will all settle down.
Thank you to my Compass Family, my host family, and to the whole of Australia for giving me one heck of an unforgettable life time journey and experience!! I already can't wait to come back!! See you next time!! <3
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Overwhelmingly Mixed
I'm excited to see you! I'm sad you're leaving. What are your plans for when you get home? Are you applying for jobs. Will you come back? Where are you going to live back home? I know someone who can be your roommate. I miss you. I'm so glad I got to know you. Have you thought about going back to school? Isn't your visa for a year? Do you have any last plans before you leave? You aren't actually leaving... Right? It'll be weird with you gone. It will feel so right having you back home. So and so misses you. It's over. It might not be over, you never know. Where or with who are you staying now? Let's meet for coffee or lunch. Are you all packed? How are you getting everything home? Your kitty is waiting for you! When do you leave? When do you come home? Are you leaving anything behind? It's different here. It'll be the same.........
It's safe to say I'm slightly overwhelmed with everything going on at the moment... Not only do I have my own emotions and questions and thoughts to deal with, but naturally I'm hearing everyone else's as well. This is by no means their fault - they are simply talking with me about what is going on in my life at the moment and how they feel about it because they care about me. It's just hard when I don't even know how I feel about it all and don't have answers to half my own questions to take in and process what other people are saying to me or asking.
For the first time in my entire life I have an entire blank chapter in this book called life ahead of me to fill however I please. As wonderful as that may sound, however, it is quite daunting. There are so many options in front of me at the moment, with pros and cons to each, that I have no idea which way to turn - full-time nanny with one family, full-time nanny broken up among multiple families, part-time nanny, child care center teacher, back to school for business or child care administration, random one off child care jobs (so I can focus on friends and family for the next couple of months), work towards starting an in-home child care center, etc etc. In addition to that there is the need for extreme amounts of money for student loans, phone bill, car bill, and health and dental insurance. Soon enough rent will be included in that list as well. Then there are the things I desire to do back home like Zumba, other exercise classes, learn an instrument, adult dance classes, community theater, etc that all require money (and time... and usually if you're working long enough hours to make enough money for it you don't have the time left over to do those things). Then there's the question of what area do I want to work in - Durham/Chapel Hill, Mebane/Hillsborough, Burlington, Greensboro?
Before I can even get to ANY of those things though, I have to take the time to process and think about what is happening here and now rather than looking too far ahead. So what is happening here and now?
- I'm doing lots of trips - long ones, short ones, day trips - to fit in as much of my To-Do list before I leave. This is physically exhausting, but I just keep telling myself that it's almost the end and this is worth it.
- I'm moving around to different people's houses, which has its difficulties, but is also a really opportunity to spend a good chunk of last minute time with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to see this much.
- I'm making sure to have last catch ups and meals with some of my favorites, which also allows me to eat at all my favorite restaurants and cafes one last time.
- I'm giving up on trying to come home with a decent amount of money left in the bank.
- I'm packing up and shipping a couple of boxes home (they've already been picked up and now I am constantly tracking them)
- I'm gathering all of my things as much as possible so when it comes time to pack it is a smooth, simple process
- I'm buying lots of souvenirs, for myself this time
- I'm looking for and applying to one-off, part-time, and full-time nannying jobs from Durham/Chapel Hill to Burlington.
- I'm scheduling hangouts with some of my favorites back home and making appointments for myself (hair, doctor, dentist, phone company, etc)
Unfortunately that is all just the surface stuff... There's a lot more going on in my head and my heart that takes just as much if not more energy and effort than all that logistical stuff...
- Wrapping my head around the fact that this dream of mine, which quickly became a journey, has started, happened, and is now coming to an end... I knew from the start that at some point this would all have to end, but when I think about how much I've done, how much I've grown, how much I've learned, the experiences I've had, the friends I've made... It's hard to believe that that is all coming to an end. There were times when I took where I was and what I was doing for granted and there were other times when I was in tears as I took a moment to try and comprehend that my dream was now my journey and my daily life. The end of this journey means an end to what I know to be reality and the beginning of a new journey and a new unknown reality, which is exciting, challenging, anxiety producing, scary, thrilling, sad, freeing, and more all at the same time.
- Internally arguing with myself about wanting to settle down but wanting to travel, wanting to have my own place but not wanting to live alone, wanting to work to have money but thinking it isn't really about how the field isn't really about the money, wanting to go back to school but not wanting to write another paper or take another exam (I don't mind assignments though), wanting to be with my family, friends, and Munkie, but wanting the life, church, and friends I have here in Australia.
- Trying to figure out how to hold myself together on my last Sunday morning at Compass... If it weren't for the people at Compass and their hearts for the Lord this whole experience would have gone a lot differently and I wouldn't have grown spiritually or personally as much as I have. They were my entire support system during my time here (even more so in the last month and a half) - my laughter, my comfort, my venting sessions, my shelter, my meals, my relaxation, my Godly encouragement and wisdom, my friends, my family... On Sunday I'm supposed to get up and share for 2 minutes... I'm struggling with this because I feel like one of two things is going to happen - I'm just going to end up not saying much of anything other than thank you and then just crying OR I'll get started and not be able to stop as I could write a book on the hearts of the people that make up this church.
The feelings I have about leaving are so mixed I don't even really know where to begin in trying to untangle them. One minute you'll find me overjoyed to be going home in just 4.5 short days... And other moments you'll find me crying silently at the thought of leaving this chapter behind for the next...
It's safe to say I'm slightly overwhelmed with everything going on at the moment... Not only do I have my own emotions and questions and thoughts to deal with, but naturally I'm hearing everyone else's as well. This is by no means their fault - they are simply talking with me about what is going on in my life at the moment and how they feel about it because they care about me. It's just hard when I don't even know how I feel about it all and don't have answers to half my own questions to take in and process what other people are saying to me or asking.
For the first time in my entire life I have an entire blank chapter in this book called life ahead of me to fill however I please. As wonderful as that may sound, however, it is quite daunting. There are so many options in front of me at the moment, with pros and cons to each, that I have no idea which way to turn - full-time nanny with one family, full-time nanny broken up among multiple families, part-time nanny, child care center teacher, back to school for business or child care administration, random one off child care jobs (so I can focus on friends and family for the next couple of months), work towards starting an in-home child care center, etc etc. In addition to that there is the need for extreme amounts of money for student loans, phone bill, car bill, and health and dental insurance. Soon enough rent will be included in that list as well. Then there are the things I desire to do back home like Zumba, other exercise classes, learn an instrument, adult dance classes, community theater, etc that all require money (and time... and usually if you're working long enough hours to make enough money for it you don't have the time left over to do those things). Then there's the question of what area do I want to work in - Durham/Chapel Hill, Mebane/Hillsborough, Burlington, Greensboro?
Before I can even get to ANY of those things though, I have to take the time to process and think about what is happening here and now rather than looking too far ahead. So what is happening here and now?
- I'm doing lots of trips - long ones, short ones, day trips - to fit in as much of my To-Do list before I leave. This is physically exhausting, but I just keep telling myself that it's almost the end and this is worth it.
- I'm moving around to different people's houses, which has its difficulties, but is also a really opportunity to spend a good chunk of last minute time with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to see this much.
- I'm making sure to have last catch ups and meals with some of my favorites, which also allows me to eat at all my favorite restaurants and cafes one last time.
- I'm giving up on trying to come home with a decent amount of money left in the bank.
- I'm packing up and shipping a couple of boxes home (they've already been picked up and now I am constantly tracking them)
- I'm gathering all of my things as much as possible so when it comes time to pack it is a smooth, simple process
- I'm buying lots of souvenirs, for myself this time
- I'm looking for and applying to one-off, part-time, and full-time nannying jobs from Durham/Chapel Hill to Burlington.
- I'm scheduling hangouts with some of my favorites back home and making appointments for myself (hair, doctor, dentist, phone company, etc)
Unfortunately that is all just the surface stuff... There's a lot more going on in my head and my heart that takes just as much if not more energy and effort than all that logistical stuff...
- Wrapping my head around the fact that this dream of mine, which quickly became a journey, has started, happened, and is now coming to an end... I knew from the start that at some point this would all have to end, but when I think about how much I've done, how much I've grown, how much I've learned, the experiences I've had, the friends I've made... It's hard to believe that that is all coming to an end. There were times when I took where I was and what I was doing for granted and there were other times when I was in tears as I took a moment to try and comprehend that my dream was now my journey and my daily life. The end of this journey means an end to what I know to be reality and the beginning of a new journey and a new unknown reality, which is exciting, challenging, anxiety producing, scary, thrilling, sad, freeing, and more all at the same time.
- Internally arguing with myself about wanting to settle down but wanting to travel, wanting to have my own place but not wanting to live alone, wanting to work to have money but thinking it isn't really about how the field isn't really about the money, wanting to go back to school but not wanting to write another paper or take another exam (I don't mind assignments though), wanting to be with my family, friends, and Munkie, but wanting the life, church, and friends I have here in Australia.
- Trying to figure out how to hold myself together on my last Sunday morning at Compass... If it weren't for the people at Compass and their hearts for the Lord this whole experience would have gone a lot differently and I wouldn't have grown spiritually or personally as much as I have. They were my entire support system during my time here (even more so in the last month and a half) - my laughter, my comfort, my venting sessions, my shelter, my meals, my relaxation, my Godly encouragement and wisdom, my friends, my family... On Sunday I'm supposed to get up and share for 2 minutes... I'm struggling with this because I feel like one of two things is going to happen - I'm just going to end up not saying much of anything other than thank you and then just crying OR I'll get started and not be able to stop as I could write a book on the hearts of the people that make up this church.
The feelings I have about leaving are so mixed I don't even really know where to begin in trying to untangle them. One minute you'll find me overjoyed to be going home in just 4.5 short days... And other moments you'll find me crying silently at the thought of leaving this chapter behind for the next...
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