Sleep on the plane evades me... Every time I try to close my eyes and clear my head images, memories, sounds, smells, experiences, friendships, and every other bit of my Australian journey comes rushing in like an overwhelming flood - washing in and taking all of those things with it as I realize what I'm doing... I'm on a plane flying 10,000 miles away. Those things, those people, those places - they will never again be a part of my life in the same capacity as they have been for the last 15 months. All of the emotions and lack of processing over the last couple of weeks is catching up with me and the tears are coming fast. It's weird to cry and recognize the tears as both happy and sad.
I'm leaving everything I've known for the last 15 months. I'm leaving everything I got to know of as part of my daily life. If I'm being honest with myself... I'm terrified - absolutely 100% terrified. I had a job (until recently), a church, amazing friends I saw several times a week, and knew exactly what I'd be doing and when. I'm going home to no job (and after I pay one more student loan bill, no money), no church, and the majority of my best friends all live 45 minutes - 2 hours away. For the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea what my immediate future holds for me and that terrifies me. I know God knows His plans for me, but again, to be honest, I'm really struggling to hold on to that. I have somewhere to live, but my parents' house is only going to work for so long.
Right before leaving I expressed some of these feelings to one of my Aussie friends and she reminded me that I came to a foreign country where absolutely everything was new and unfamiliar and I was able to find a job, a church, friends, etc, so surely I can do it again back home where I have friends and family and things are familiar. She also reminded me what a hand and presence God has had in my time in Australia and that there is no reason to doubt He will do the same in this next unknown (to me) journey. I'm working on being faithful in His plan. I believe this transition, although difficult, is necessary for me to grow and continue moving forward. Just as finishing my job was difficult, I was still able to see Him in the situation's after effects. He took something awful and used it to further my person and spiritual growth, deepen and strengthen relationships, and open opportunities left and right for exploration of the amazing country He had brought me to.
Here's to attempting to take it all one day at a time and letting God take control and make the plans.
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On the plane as the buildings and cars become bigger and the lights of the city become brighter I realize I am a mere 30 minutes away from landing in Raleigh.... Signifying that this dream, journey, and reality are officially over... The tears, however, are not. It's so weird that something that was only in my thoughts and something I only talked about actually happened. I'm sad it's over, but excited that it happened and because it was my dream and my experiences, while the journey is over, the memories will be with me forever.
I have to admit... I am incredibly proud of myself. I was someone who liked what was familiar - food, places, people, driving routes, etc, yet, I went to a foreign country on my own and tried (and liked) so many new foods, became part of a new church, shopped in new stores, ate at new cafes/restaurants, saw show in new theaters, made new, deep, life long friendships, lived with strangers, mastered manual driving on the right side of the car on the left side of the road on new roads, and figured out the tram, train, and bus systems. I have met God a new and different level and we've dealt with a lot of hard stuff from my past. I am more confident and more bold. I am more sure of who I am and who I want to be. I am stronger in my faith and more willing to and capable of showing God's love to those around me.
When I think about it I seriously can't believe I actually did all those things I had said I was going to and then some things I never thought I'd do or hadn't thought of doing. It's just so weird to me that my journey to Australia is no longer a dream of mine or my reality... In 3, 2, 1, Touchdown at RDU... It is now my memories of something past...
"You have plenty of courage, I am sure," answered Oz. "All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty."
- L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
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