I'm excited to see you! I'm sad you're leaving. What are your plans for when you get home? Are you applying for jobs. Will you come back? Where are you going to live back home? I know someone who can be your roommate. I miss you. I'm so glad I got to know you. Have you thought about going back to school? Isn't your visa for a year? Do you have any last plans before you leave? You aren't actually leaving... Right? It'll be weird with you gone. It will feel so right having you back home. So and so misses you. It's over. It might not be over, you never know. Where or with who are you staying now? Let's meet for coffee or lunch. Are you all packed? How are you getting everything home? Your kitty is waiting for you! When do you leave? When do you come home? Are you leaving anything behind? It's different here. It'll be the same.........
It's safe to say I'm slightly overwhelmed with everything going on at the moment... Not only do I have my own emotions and questions and thoughts to deal with, but naturally I'm hearing everyone else's as well. This is by no means their fault - they are simply talking with me about what is going on in my life at the moment and how they feel about it because they care about me. It's just hard when I don't even know how I feel about it all and don't have answers to half my own questions to take in and process what other people are saying to me or asking.
For the first time in my entire life I have an entire blank chapter in this book called life ahead of me to fill however I please. As wonderful as that may sound, however, it is quite daunting. There are so many options in front of me at the moment, with pros and cons to each, that I have no idea which way to turn - full-time nanny with one family, full-time nanny broken up among multiple families, part-time nanny, child care center teacher, back to school for business or child care administration, random one off child care jobs (so I can focus on friends and family for the next couple of months), work towards starting an in-home child care center, etc etc. In addition to that there is the need for extreme amounts of money for student loans, phone bill, car bill, and health and dental insurance. Soon enough rent will be included in that list as well. Then there are the things I desire to do back home like Zumba, other exercise classes, learn an instrument, adult dance classes, community theater, etc that all require money (and time... and usually if you're working long enough hours to make enough money for it you don't have the time left over to do those things). Then there's the question of what area do I want to work in - Durham/Chapel Hill, Mebane/Hillsborough, Burlington, Greensboro?
Before I can even get to ANY of those things though, I have to take the time to process and think about what is happening here and now rather than looking too far ahead. So what is happening here and now?
- I'm doing lots of trips - long ones, short ones, day trips - to fit in as much of my To-Do list before I leave. This is physically exhausting, but I just keep telling myself that it's almost the end and this is worth it.
- I'm moving around to different people's houses, which has its difficulties, but is also a really opportunity to spend a good chunk of last minute time with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to see this much.
- I'm making sure to have last catch ups and meals with some of my favorites, which also allows me to eat at all my favorite restaurants and cafes one last time.
- I'm giving up on trying to come home with a decent amount of money left in the bank.
- I'm packing up and shipping a couple of boxes home (they've already been picked up and now I am constantly tracking them)
- I'm gathering all of my things as much as possible so when it comes time to pack it is a smooth, simple process
- I'm buying lots of souvenirs, for myself this time
- I'm looking for and applying to one-off, part-time, and full-time nannying jobs from Durham/Chapel Hill to Burlington.
- I'm scheduling hangouts with some of my favorites back home and making appointments for myself (hair, doctor, dentist, phone company, etc)
Unfortunately that is all just the surface stuff... There's a lot more going on in my head and my heart that takes just as much if not more energy and effort than all that logistical stuff...
- Wrapping my head around the fact that this dream of mine, which quickly became a journey, has started, happened, and is now coming to an end... I knew from the start that at some point this would all have to end, but when I think about how much I've done, how much I've grown, how much I've learned, the experiences I've had, the friends I've made... It's hard to believe that that is all coming to an end. There were times when I took where I was and what I was doing for granted and there were other times when I was in tears as I took a moment to try and comprehend that my dream was now my journey and my daily life. The end of this journey means an end to what I know to be reality and the beginning of a new journey and a new unknown reality, which is exciting, challenging, anxiety producing, scary, thrilling, sad, freeing, and more all at the same time.
- Internally arguing with myself about wanting to settle down but wanting to travel, wanting to have my own place but not wanting to live alone, wanting to work to have money but thinking it isn't really about how the field isn't really about the money, wanting to go back to school but not wanting to write another paper or take another exam (I don't mind assignments though), wanting to be with my family, friends, and Munkie, but wanting the life, church, and friends I have here in Australia.
- Trying to figure out how to hold myself together on my last Sunday morning at Compass... If it weren't for the people at Compass and their hearts for the Lord this whole experience would have gone a lot differently and I wouldn't have grown spiritually or personally as much as I have. They were my entire support system during my time here (even more so in the last month and a half) - my laughter, my comfort, my venting sessions, my shelter, my meals, my relaxation, my Godly encouragement and wisdom, my friends, my family... On Sunday I'm supposed to get up and share for 2 minutes... I'm struggling with this because I feel like one of two things is going to happen - I'm just going to end up not saying much of anything other than thank you and then just crying OR I'll get started and not be able to stop as I could write a book on the hearts of the people that make up this church.
The feelings I have about leaving are so mixed I don't even really know where to begin in trying to untangle them. One minute you'll find me overjoyed to be going home in just 4.5 short days... And other moments you'll find me crying silently at the thought of leaving this chapter behind for the next...
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