When I first arrived I was okay for a few weeks just due to being overwhelmed with all the newness and amazingness. After that it was just every now and then that I would miss home. At about 3 months was when the real homesickness kicked in. I missed my mom and cat the most of all. I had a lot of emotions locked inside when all I wanted to do was cry. I often cried over Skype with mom or on the phone with her. I cried when the time differences didn't match up and I couldn't call her when that was all I wanted. Sometimes I cried at night when I had no one to say goodnight to or in the morning when I knew when I got out of bed there would be no good morning hugs or kitty cuddles. I cried when I just wanted my own, quiet space. I cried when Hope turned 10 and I wasn't there. I cried when my niece Lilliana was born and I wasn't there. I cried when our downstairs flooded and the house was a mess and I wasn't there. I cried on Christmas morning when everyone was around the tree and I wasn't there. I cried when my little sister turned 18 and I wasn't there. You get the point... I was missing events and milestones back home and I just wanted nothing more than to be there. It wasn't as often as it sounds, but it was often enough. And it wasn't so much crying as it was quietly choking as tears silently slid down my cheeks. I couldn't cry like I really wanted to and just let it all out because then my host family would hear me. 3 months was hard because I've gone this long without home, without my family, without my kitty, without my friends and I was proud of myself for making it this long, but the problem was that there was still 7 months ahead of me where I had to continue going without all those things/people. That's over double the amount of time I'd already done!! There was no light at the end of the tunnel. The end of the tunnel was too far away for me to see anything. Now, don't get me wrong, God blessed me with an outstanding church here filled with generous, loving people who have been there for me from since before I even came over here who since day 1 of being here have opened their homes to me, fed me, provided hugs, love, sweet texts, prayer, encouragement, support, etc. You name it, they've taken care of it (with God's help). I wouldn't have made it throughout those toughest times and months without God's strength and promises and their support, love, and encouragement.
After the 3-4 month mark or so, things started to smooth over. I had become really really settled in life here in Melbourne - church, friends, friends that have become like family, work, driving, public transport, etc etc. I had big holidays ahead of me like Phillip Island and Sydney and plans for another holiday later on (which turned out to be New Zealand). There were times when I would go close to a week without Skyping my mom, although I did call her at least once somewhere during that time. I stopped taking pictures of the area, because none of it was new anymore. It was typical, normal. I was used to it. The "crying" came way way way less often to the point I couldn't remember when the last time was. All was good.
Before I knew it though I was down to just a little over a month left before my visit home and that is when I discovered this new kind of homesickness... Rather than the end of the tunnel being too far away, the end of the tunnel is darn close!! I can see the light brighter than ever but like one of those awful dreams no matter how hard or fast I try to run I creep and crawl through the days like a snail. Hugging my ma, kissing my kitty, squeezing the daylights out of my Hopie, being ridiculous with my 2nd family, sleepovers with friends, lunch dates with other friends, childhood games with another friend, seeing all of my extended family, etc etc it is all within arms reach, it is so very very close, but yet... I can't have it. Not for another x amount of days. But just like a two year old... I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!!! I've waited long enough for it and I don't want to have to wait any longer!!! I have Skyped and called my mom and family more in the past 2 weeks than I have during any given period of time that I've been here. Just one thought of my Munkie or the time I'm going to spend with Hopie or seeing friends for the first time in a long time can instantly bring tears to the edge. Every day I wake up I'm eager to count the days and tear another link off my countdown chain. Every day I'm eager to plan one more get together or confirm one more plan with family and friends back home. Every day I think about packing and then remember I still need clothes and all the other things I would pack. Every day I try to think of ways to make the days pass more quickly. Every day I thank God for everyone who is waiting for me back home and that I am one day closer to their hugs.
Unlike the original homesickness though, this is a very weird, mixed feelings kind of homesickness. I cry because visiting home is so close and I just want to be there more than anything my heart has every wanted before. I smile and have an amazing attitude because I know home is so so so very close and I only have to make it through x amount of days. Then while all of this is going on, I can't help but think about the people here in Australia. The people that I text with, talk with, hang out with every day who support me, encourage me, and pray for me on a daily basis. I can't help but think about my church - Compass. The one that I can't wait to go to every Sunday and is sometimes what gets me through the week. I can't help but think about "my" kids. The kids who are a huge part of my daily life as we make each other smile and giggle, as I tuck them in every night, as I get to witness their milestones and new discoveries. I'm going home to visit with people that I love dearly which makes me happy, but I can't deny the fact that I will miss the people here while I'm away. In a way, I'm glad I'm taking this visit in the middle of my stay, because it is a very small taste of what leaving in December will feel like... And then I start thinking about once I come back December will only be 6 months away and I fear that time in this amazing country with these wonderful people will fly by. So, while I'm thrilled about coming home for a visit, there is a piece of me that dreads having to give up this time with the people here who before I know it will no longer be a part of my daily life. I am so glad that this is just a visit home, because I'm not ready to be done in Australia (someone remind me I said this when June 10th comes and I have to say good-bye to home again). Like I said - a new, weird kind of homesickness.
Regardless of any of this homesick business... By the time I leave to visit home I will have been in Australia for 10 months!!! Before I left for Australia I couldn't make it away from home for longer than 3 weeks!! This is the longest amount of time I have spent and (God willing) will ever spend away from home and I can honestly say that I am beyond proud of myself. This has to be the most challenging, most daring, most unlike me thing I have ever done in my life and I made it the full 10 months (not to mention the additional 6 after I come back)!!! If this time last year someone would have told me I'd spend this long in another country away from everyone and everything I know and love back home I would have laughed hysterically, which is probably why God waited until Novemberish to tell me. Sometimes when I think about it I can't believe I've actually been here for 10 solid months and I can't help but smile at my achievement (kind of like when I watch my skydiving and bungy/swing videos). I've relied on Skype, phone calls, Compass, and my family/friends here... but most of all I've relied on God more than I ever have before. And I've learned that when you do that... Beautiful, wonderful, amazing things happen. And as I've said from the beginning, I wouldn't want to take this journey with anyone else.
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| HOME!!! |
:) love
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