Knowing my sister was pregnant and going to have a baby while I was in Australia was one of the few things keeping me from being 100% excited about this journey. It is also one of the few things keeping me from saying a definite yes to returning to Australia next July. Marie means the world to me and has done beyond her fair share of offering a shoulder to cry on, giving Godly sisterly advice (no matter how much I may or may not have wanted to hear it), and did her best to keep me out of trouble (along with Kirk's help). Until now there was nothing I could do to help her, show my gratitude, and return similar kind acts. Now that I can do something for her (help with Lilliana so Kirk and Marie can sleep or work, help tidy the house, etc)... I'm 10,000 miles away... When I received the news this morning I wanted to laugh, scream, smile... and cry... I'm beyond ecstatic for Kirk and Marie, I just hate that I'm not there to celebrate with them and watch Lilliana grow and reach milestones... The one thing I want more than anything right now is to be a part of this beautiful little girl's life, but instead I'm 10,000 miles away watching everyone else be a part of her life, which I'm grateful for because the more love she receives the better, but it's still hard.
Next to getting married this is the biggest thing that has happened in Marie's life and I'm not there to offer support, encouragement, excitement, assistance, not even a smile or a hug... I'm not there to show her how much her little sister cares for her, looks up to her, and loves her... I'm not there to celebrate and be a part of this part of her life... I'm just... I'm just not there...
I'm not there to watch Lilliana reach or grasp for the first time or roll over. I'm not there to hold her tiny self in my arms and feel her warm snuggles. I'm not there to hear her cute little coos and babbles. I'm not there to watch her make a mess as she throws a bowl of food on the floor. I'm not there to let her know her Aunt Nikki loves her to pieces and will be someone she can count on for the rest of her life... I'm just... I'm just not there...
It really is quite strange to me that I can love a little somebody so much without even having met them, but I do. Never again will she be this small, this young, or at this stage of life. I'm going to miss out on the first 6 months of her life and possibly another 5 months. By the time I see her she will probably be rolling over, sitting up, eating solids, and babbling away. I won't have any stories for her when she is older about holding her on the day she was born or rocking her to sleep one night. I just want to be there... Call me crazy, but this is just how I feel...
I love you beautiful girl!! You are very lucky to have Kirk and Marie as your dad and mom, but they are also very lucky to have you. Be good to them and give my Big Sis lots of hugs for me please. I'll give them back to you when I see you in May. Ask your mom to read you the book I bought you, "Little Blossom", it's about you. Also, just a heads up, but you are a Kansas City Chiefs football fan. I know you'd rather dance and football really doesn't interest you much, but just humor your dad and make some cute noises and smile at the TV when his team is winning. Also, in just a few months you'll be a pro at Skype. I can't wait for our first Skype date. Not even a day old and you are an extremely loved little girl. See you soon Lil' Bit!! <3
Oh, and Lilliana... I hope you like red, white, blue, koalas, kangaroos, and all things Australian because I'm coming home with tons of stuff for you!! =]
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