Someones Were Missing...

So, you may have noticed, or you may have not, that a certain group of people were missing from my blogs about my visit home. Every time I sat down to write the blog I couldn't even type the first letter without my eyes tearing up. First - Things didn't go exactly as planned while I was home and while it may seem selfish, I was upset. I wasn't upset because I was mad at them or blamed them. I was simply upset because I love and missed them so much that I was hoping for much more time with them and under better circumstances. None of it was their fault, and they're the one that had to deal with the yucky circumstances, so I really shouldn't be upset, but that's just how I felt. Not to mention the fact that I certainly wasn't the only one whose plans didn't go the way they expected. Related to that is my second point. Second - One of the most sucky things about being away is that time back home doesn't freeze. The people you leave behind don't stop growing up, maturing, making decisions, and meeting life milestones simply because you decided to go off and adventure. Coming home to find that the little people I left behind really aren't so little anymore, frankly, it sucks. While I'm proud of them and what they've accomplished and what beautiful people they've become, it doesn't change the fact that I wish they could have stayed little. However, I am thankful for the time I got at home with them and for a couple major events in their life that I would have been devastated had I missed.

As for my first point - I saw this person for the last time on a Wednesday and then I left the following Monday. That's 4.5 days before I left and I didn't see this person, who had it gone as planned, I would have seen the day before I left. I wanted to see them again but I knew if I did I would only cry, and they didn't need that, so I decided not to go. I also didn't go because the image I had in my head from the last time I saw them really wasn't ideal when getting ready to leave them for 6 months and I knew that if I went and saw them it would only be more of that same painful image I already had and I didn't want to imprint it any further. I just kept trying to remind myself of the first (and last) time I really really got to hang out with them while I was home and we chatted, had dinner, they made me my favorite chips and dip, and they were the silly, bubbly person I know them to be.

As for my second point - When my host parents asked me what days I wanted off for my visit home I made sure those dates included a prom and graduation, because I had already missed a birthday (I knew I'd be missing another), getting a car, the last band concert, college choosing and plans, the start of high school, and so much more. I knew that given the opportunity I did not want to miss prom and graduation as well. These, what used to be kids, are growing up fast and I want to be there for as much of it as possible and I want them to know that I am here for them. The reason this is so hard for me to write about is because of all the things I have missed and I know I will miss in their lives, but I remain grateful for the special time I got with  them while home as well as the time I got alone with each of them. One is pretty much an adult now and making decisions that will affect the rest of their life. I won't be there as they begin the next chapter in their life which includes probably the hardest thing they've ever done - college. The other one isn't quite to that point yet, but they are driving, gorgeous, and have definitely matured. I won't be there as they continue to work their way through the rockyness that is high school and as they try to make the right decisions under peer pressure. Because I can't be there for them, except through Skype and text, I do all I know I can do for them, which is pray. For these two I pray daily because they have no idea what a hold they have on my heart and just how very much I love them. I don't want to see them hurt, stuck in the muck after they make a bad choice, or regret anything and while I know those things are a part of life it doesn't make it any easier to watch people you love have to deal with it and I want to know that I've done my part to try and steer them in the right direction. So until I return home and can be there for them in person, daily prayer and being available whenever possible will do.

So... why no names? Because even writing the way I have I still had to fight back the tears - in fact my head and jaw now hurt from it. But now that I'm at the end and I can handle crying for a short bit rather than the whole length of time it takes to write, while you may have already figured it out, I will say who I am writing about - my 2nd family. Clearly my first point is regarding my 2nd mom (Rama, Robin), who while I was home spent a significant time in the hospital and/or recovering from the hospital and my second point is regarding my little sisters (Amanda and Rebeka). As for my 2nd dad (Jay), well that's another point, because I hardly got to see him at all. For a family to love someone so much and accept someone to the extent that my 2nd family has always reminds me of how blessed I am. They've supported and encouraged me physically, financially, emotionally, and more over the years and for that I am forever grateful. Our relationships started getting really really strong when I was about 14, but with the way we love each other you'd think I'd known them since birth. I'm so very seriously blessed to have them as my second family. Maybe now that I've gotten this out I can write the other blogs about my time with them without crying...